


Too Tired To Live, Too Stubborn To Die

by ClydeaL_Imastill



Series: Too Tired To Live, Too Stubborn To Die — Pre&Post-Edit [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ADHD, Addiction, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Author Projecting onto Draco Malfoy, BDSM, Bisexual Male Character, Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everyone Is Gay, Excessive use of italics, Good Draco Malfoy, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lucius Malfoy is a LITERAL Bastard, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Muggle Culture, Muggle Technology, Non-Sexual Kink, Non-Sexual Submission, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, S&M, Safe Sane and Consensual, Service Submission, Slow To Update, Slurs, Stoner Draco Malfoy, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Touch-Starved, Trans Female Character, Veela Draco Malfoy, Work In Progress, Writing Crush On Bullies From Experience, actually everybody - Freeform, fuck you, no I will not explain further
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClydeaL_Imastill/pseuds/ClydeaL_Imastill
Summary: After Ron Weasley manages to talk down Draco Malfoy, he attempts to become friends with him to keep an eye with him. Surprised he didn't expect this, Ron realizes that Draco is actually quite the handful. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione can't begin to understand why he even wants to talk to the prat, and George doesn't want to hear anything Ron has to say about it in the first place.T3LTSTD - Pre-Edit is an earlier version of this, not a sequel, prequel, or spin-off. It has two chapters and it sucks (not that this is much better)
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasley, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Too Tired To Live, Too Stubborn To Die — Pre&Post-Edit [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682497
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	Too Tired To Live, Too Stubborn To Die

**Author's Note:**

> Random note but if you're imagining the movie actors like... Stop. Like almost everybody except for Weasleys are POC and just don't look like their actors in general... You'll get more of an idea of what everyone looks like as the story goes on I apologize :'/
> 
> Also if a character uses a word wrong in dialogue or repeats it within like three seconds I did that on purpose, but if it's outside of dialogue tell me !! I don't want my writing suck :'(

The Astronomy Tower was something of a fascination to Draco. Maybe " _fascination_ " wasn't quite the word to describe it. To him, it was more of a nagging pull at his brain, something that never left him except for in sleep. Though that wasn't much of a relief, considering Draco _barely_ got six hours sleep on a good night. So, he'd started to go on walks.

The walks started out a good distraction. Sometimes a Prefect would catch him, and he would be given detention, but the Headmistress had a soft spot for insomniacs. When they stopped caring, he'd talk to Myrtle, or go to the Room of Requirement, or just simply think as he paced.

Then his walking started having a direction. He found himself back at the Tower too many times, and while Draco couldn't deny it anymore, he couldn't understand why he wanted to be there. Everything the Tower brought back chilled him. He loathed the way the Tower made him feel. But he couldn't leave it alone.

By the second to last week of October, he found himself there every night. Re-enacting, pacing, just sitting there, whatever came to his mind at the moment. Sometimes, when he was feeling extra brave, he would stand on the ledge.

Draco was feeling extra brave tonight.

It had been... a rough day. The Muggle Studies teacher had yelled at him for not having his homework done (for the third time in a row,) the food tasted like shit, and if he heard Potter's dumb laugh one more time, he'd explode. Draco knew these were very menial, even childish problems, but it all made him want to crawl in a hole and die. _Or jump off the Astronomy Tower and die._

Draco inhaled the crisp, nearly winter air and let the wind mess his hair into some unflattering configuration. It wasn't usually this windy, and he could feel his lips beginning to chap. He gripped the stone and peered below him.

 _It really is a long way down,_ he thought, more of an observation or excitement than anxiety. He couldn't help but grin at the adrenaline running through him. He could jump right now. He would do it, and nobody would be able to stop him or find him in time to save him. He nearly squealed in delight. He smirked to himself and muttered under his breath, "I must be sick."

Draco leaned back, instead choosing to observe the wind blowing through. It was a high, rough, and loud sound that dared to make his ears pop when he leaned further out. He liked to imagine the trees below didn't know he was watching, that their dancing was something private he wasn't allowed to see. It was ridiculous, he knew, but he could allow himself one last childish joy before it was all gone.

"What the fuck are you doing up there?"

Draco pretended not to have nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden voice. "Could you not interrupt my moment, Weasley? I'm trying to look at the fucking stars," his voice was rushed and cracked. _Definitely convincing._

Both knew that was a lie, and it showed on his intruder's face. "Yeah, okay. Why don't you have a telescope then?"

"Because my eyes work perfectly fine?"

Ron stared at him, brows furrowed and expression deadpan. "Are you serious right now? Like, this is happening? You're just going to... pretend like that is even related to what you're actually doing right now?" He tilted his head and laughed.

Draco's glare narrowed, fake innocence dropped. He leaned against the stone, crossing his arms. "You really are interrupting, you know."

"Interrupting what? You swan diving off the bloody Astronomy Tower?"

Weasley didn't look like he was being serious. Like he was just testing the waters, starting with an extreme so anything less would be easier to coax out. It made Draco want to laugh, so he did, hitting his head against the stone he was leaning on. "Why, yes, actually," he said after regaining his composure.

"That's — now that's pathetic," Ron seemed to have the wind knocked out of him. "If anybody is going to be killing you, it's going to be me. Okay? Got that?" he sounded demanding, and Draco realized that Weasley wasn't going to leave this alone now that it had been brought up.

"Oh? And I'm supposed to listen to you, King Weasley? My lord and saviour, are you? Seriously, fuck off. Don't pretend like you suddenly care, and even if you do, you really shouldn't. Seriously," he shifted uncomfortably, moving back towards the open air without realizing it.

Ron made an alarmed noise, gesturing towards Draco exaggeratedly. "Stop that!"

Draco looked at himself before glaring at his enemy. "Stop what?" he mocked, taking a (now purposeful,) half step backwards, eliciting another worried yelp from Ron. Despite obviously not wanting Draco to do what he was implying, the ginger's hands had clenched close to his body, recoiling in fear. Draco saw him take a deep breath before relaxing his muscles, rolling his shoulders.

"Stop being an asshole and get off of there."

Draco had to admit he did feel bad for Weasley, in some manner. It would be terribly traumatic to watch somebody kill themselves in front of you. He cringed at the mental image, disgusted with himself that the thought didn't relieve him of any ideation. It nearly made him want to do it even more. He felt sick.

"Can you — can you tell me why you're doing this? It doesn't seem very logical to me, considering you're dy— well, voluntarily dying in this scenario," Ron smiled, but it quickly disappeared. He mumbled something about bad taste.

Draco squinted at him. The most obvious reason to ask this question would be to talk him down, which Weasley was most definitely trying to do, but he also seemed... genuinely curious. _Gross_.

"Why do you care?" he sneered.

Ron scoffed, "I asked my question first."

Draco sighed, looking out at the scenery below him. It was always beautiful this time of year, and he could imagine his corpse staining its elegance. Nobody would find his body till eight am, most likely. He'd be long dead.

"It's just too much. Life, I mean. In general. I know what you're going to say. There's so much for me to live for, or whatever, but there's really not. There's Pansy, and there's Blaise, and there's Mother, but that's about it," he shrugged his shoulders before turning to look at Weasley. He was looking at Draco with a clenched jaw, clenched fists, and rolled back shoulders. He looked like he was either going to punch somebody or cry. It seemed ridiculous to Draco that Weasley would be more emotional than him in this situation.

"So you're just going to... run away? Let it defeat you? Last I checked, that wasn't Draco Malfoy."

"Last I checked, you didn't _fucking_ know me," he growled out, stepping off the ledge and closer to Ron in threat before realizing what he was doing and taking a step back. He had control of his impulses, he has control of his actions, he had control of himself. "And you haven't said why you care in the first place yet. So tell me, why the _wonderous_ Ron Weasley cares about a poor boy like me."

Ron stepped forward, making Draco still and his breath hitch. Was it irrational to be afraid of Weasley right now? He didn't know. Draco brought his arms up around his chest before choosing to cross them. He jut his chin out in defiance as if he hadn't already shown fear.

"I think that if you're not going to show compassion to someone suicidal, you're kind of an asshole. And if you let someone die, knowing you could have stopped it, you're... I don't even know what that would be," Ron's voice was low and soft, and it sounded like there was cotton in his throat. Even so, he held his ground and stared Draco in the eye. "You might not be the best person, but you don't deserve to—"

"I'm not the best person? Really? I'm a terrible person, Weasley. You of all people should know that. I've done so many things — bad, really horrible things, and I don't deserve your kindness. Or pity, whatever this is. I will admit, maybe I don't _intrinsically_ deserve to die, but the world would be a better place without me in it," he stared at the floor as he spoke, not able to meet Ron's gaze. Draco mentally chastised himself for being so self-pitying. He looked like he was trying to gain something, and he wasn't sure if that was false. He was a manipulative prick, wasn't he? Everything he did, it was to gain something. He was even—

"Malfoy?"

He blinked, looking up at Weasley. Was he zoning out again? He hated doing that, it always made people angry at him. "Yeah, sorry?" he asked and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Should he be angrier? What was _Draco_ supposed to be like in this situation?

Ron furrowed his brows, but let it slide. "You're not... a completely terrible person. I don't — I don't completely forgive you for everything, but what happened with Voldemort," Draco flinched, and Ron cleared his throat. "What happened with him wasn't your fault. You were literally born into a cult,"

Draco glared harshly at the floor, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He knew the Death-Eater organization obviously wasn't a good one, and he knew, technically, it was a cult. But it didn't... it didn't _feel_ like a cult. Cults were worse. They brainwashed people, they starved them, they were more controlling of their lives. He wasn't as hurt as others had been in cults. The Death Eaters were there voluntarily! It's not like Draco was forced to stay there, he could leave at any time if he was brave enough. It was his own fault for not leaving when he could.

"Yeah, but I'm the one who chose to stay." Draco refuted, rubbing nervously at his collarbones.

"You know I was there in the courtroom, right? You can't — they threatened to kill you and your family. You may not have been held down, physically preventing you from leaving, but they might as well have.

"Listen to me. You can't blame yourself for not wanting your family to die. You don't follow those — well — yeah, you don't follow those beliefs anymore. You even lied to their faces about Harry's identity to help us. You've — I'm not sure if I'd even be alive right now if you hadn't done that..." Ron trailed off, staring blankly at the wall next to Draco's head for a couple seconds.

Draco had never thought of that. He'd always assumed that life would go on if he'd never existed, that everything would just be fine. Everything would be _better_ , even. But would the Dark Lord have won if he hadn't done that? Would everything — no, Draco wouldn't flatter himself like that. Potter would have found some way to save the day, he was just like that.

"Anyways, my point is you don't deserve to die. Most people, even terrible people, which _you're not_ , don't deserve to die. Unless they're You-Know-Who or something, but he's already dead. And you're not like him. You know you're not like him, right?" Ron asked, taking a cautious step forward. Malfoy nodded, biting his lip. He looked miserable, face red, tears coming but blinked away the second they appeared.

"I just don't—" Draco tried to start, an arm wrapped around himself and the other gesturing vaguely. "Life sucks. It just— I can't deal with it anymore, too much has happened, and I just... I know it's running away, but I can't deal with it. I don't want to. Not when I can't do anything right, everything I do is just wrong, and I can't fix anything I've done in the past, and I know you _say_ I'm not a terrible person, but I _am_!" He was yelling now, barely able to take a shaky breath in between sentences. His hands found their way into his hair, but he forced himself not to pull at it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find control again. "It's not that I _want_ to die, I just don't want to live as I do anymore. I don't know how to change anything, and I'm too tired, or lazy, to learn how to. So just... stop caring, because you can't make this better. You're wasting your time."

He opened his eyes, met with Weasley's angry, wet blue ones. Was he... about to cry? If there was one thing Draco couldn't even start to try to handle, it was others crying. He opened his mouth to say something before stopping, rubbing his neck awkwardly. "Are you—"

"You can't just give up like that. That's not right, that's not smart, that's not even— I know you said you don't care about these things, but there's so much for you in the future. There's people you haven't met, things you haven't done, things you'll love and adore, and it'll be fine." Ron let out a shaky laugh and reached out for Draco's hand. He grasped it between his own, so tight that Draco wasn't sure it wouldn't bruise. "Actually, I can't guarantee that it'll all be fine, but I'm sure it'll be better. You'll find a way to deal with everything, and if you don't, you'll have people to help you deal with it. Don't you want to see everything the world has to offer? I know it's cliche, but tell me you don't have anything you want to see." His eyes were soft and hard and focused and not, and his voice sounded like it had been drenched in syrup.

Draco stared at him, eyes wide and mouth caught open. They barely knew each other, and Draco felt like he was seeing something he shouldn't. _Somebody_ he shouldn't. "There's a band I like, they're coming out with a new album. At the end of January," he said. It was a simple thing, something that shouldn't elicit much of a reaction, but Ron smiled.

Draco didn't know if it was the mental breakdown, but that sweet, completely genuine smile was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He felt ridiculous, but he started grinning as well.

"See? You have more to live for, even if it's just until February. And there'll be more after that, and more after that. The trick, you see, is taking it one day at a time," Ron said slowly, nodding to himself. He stroked his thumb across Draco's hand before letting go of it. "Do you think you can do that?"

"Don't be condescending," Draco half-sneered, "of course I can." He rubbed his hand, turning it over to look at it. "I think you bruised my hand, you brute. You're terrible." he shook his head disapprovingly, trying to hide a smile.

Ron opened his mouth to apologize before realizing that Draco probably wasn't being completely serious, if at all. He let out a stunted laugh. He wasn't able to fully appreciate any jokes made, making him feel weird and awkward. This whole _situation_ was weird and awkward. And horrifying, and terrible, and overwhelming and oh _Merlin_ —

"I'm going to... head out. The door, not the window. Or whatever that is. Tired, going to bed... why am I explaining this to you?" Draco muttered as he walked towards the door. He opened it before turning around and giving Ron a lopsided, sarcastic half-smile. "Night."

"Night," Ron called out over the resounding shout of the slamming door.

Draco was immediately filled with impending dread as he descended. Why would he... Ron didn't care about him, he was going to tell everybody. And Draco was such an attention whore, there was no other reason for why he would tell all that to somebody he thought he hated. Was he even actually suicidal? If he was, he wouldn't have cared about what Weasley said, he'd do it anyway. Was he even going to do it in the first place? What kind of _psychopath_ used suicide to garner sympathy and attention? He was terrible.

Ron continued to stare at the door, trying to figure out what just happened. Draco Malfoy — _Draco Malfoy_ had just attempted suicide. And he had managed to talk him down, or at least postpone it. It registered all at once, hitting him like a wall of bricks. He tried to take a deep breath but wasn't able to even finish it before starting to sob. He could barely breathe, snot running down his mouth and chin as he tried to wipe it away. He tried not to be so loud but only achieved in making himself choke on his own tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Ron doesnt understand Draco as much as he thinks :). Sweaty, all Draco knows how to do is run away. Also whenever I read when Draco said "you dont know me" I maximum cringe. One time I called my sister out on something and she said that and stomped off and I KNOW I'm not supposed to be mean to her but I laughed so fucking harddd. Different context so Draco's use is more appropriate but still cringy 9/10. Also ngl even though it's my own writing when I get to the paragraph about Ron smiling over Draco's dumb band and then Draco smiles I tear up cause even though I mainly read/write angst and hurt (with or without comfort) I am a soft fucking bitch
> 
> Also something I'd like to clarify is that his teacher didn't tell at him for the third time in a row, Draco didn't finish his homework on time for the third time in a row. I'm hardcore projecting lmao oop. Also if I made any mistakes please tell me! I reread this to check for errors like twice lmao
> 
> Also I feel like I have to say this because when Draco was having his mini panic attack after he left he thought "What kind of psychopath... and attention?" uhm. You don't have to be a psychopath to do that and not all people with ASPD are bad people!! It's just the most natural writing choice and aligns with the general public's understanding of aspd, especially back then.


End file.
